When I Realized I Love You
by ChuckyDoll
Summary: Since her death, Rosemary felt unbearably lonely. Her ghost wandered out to the Nursery, where she found Gabriel and entered his body. Once she realized she was stuck, she became the reason Gabriel couldn't sleep at night. Rosemary soon realized that aside from her father, she was the only one who cared enough to listen to Jonas's musings and give the love she knew he needed.


Rosemary wandered around the place of her death for some time. The memory of the injection still haunted her and she hid deep down that garbage chute alongside her body while the community suffered from her mistake. She would occasionally crawl out, leaving behind her rotting body, and watch someone else get a Release. The first time she crawled out since that period of chaos was over five years after her death.

She remembered a blue-eyed toddler named Jonas, who received the most painful memories of any child in the community. A single woman with frizzy hair and the same eyes had took the pain away from the child, who looked like he could be her biological son. She knew that woman as her father's spouse and it surprised her that such a person would rise up to the occasion like that. Rosemary had looked at others in Jonas's age group and her eyes fell on a boy named Phoenix. His father seemed to know her frizzy-haired mother and Rosemary had learned that he had committed two infractions in his youth. His future seemed relatively dismal.

Some years after the community's ordeal, she crawled out from that deep garbage chute and saw that same man come into the Release room. A young woman followed him with a bottle and a syringe and Rosemary watched intently. The man, whom she learned was named Justin, was gripping the sides of the cot he was sitting on and the woman smiled at him.

"No need to worry," she said to him. "It won't hurt."

"I know what you're going to do to me," he replied with fear in his voice. "I'm not a bad person."

"No one said you are, Justin," said the woman. "I should know. I'm your spouse. You committed three infractions. You knew the consequences."

Rosemary watched as Justin tried to fight his spouse, whom she learned was named Zara, and she resisted him. Zara later jammed the syringe in his neck and pushed the liquid into his veins, causing him to twitch and fall with a loud thud. Zara took out the syringe carefully and sanitized it before she undressed the dead man and pushed him down the chute. Rosemary heard his body hit the metal sides as it descended into the mass of dead bodies and looked at Zara again, condemning her for what she had done. She remembered her own parents, who were unusually close to each other, and wondered if they could ever do something like that to one another. Rosemary doubted it and slid back down to Justin's body, watching his spirit escape it and wander around like she had for over five years. The man finally sank into the earth peacefully and Rosemary had only his carcass for companionship. Although she occasionally came out of the garbage chute to see what had happened to the blue-eyed boy and to her father, she couldn't talk to anyone, so she felt unbearably lonely.

Almost ten years after her death and a baby with blue eyes was born. Rosemary wandered out to the Nursery where all the little newchildren were kept. She walked by the blue-eyed baby and put her hand out to touch his forehead, calming the boy. Her hand seemed to sink inside him and she fell in completely. Now trapped inside the small body, Rosemary started to panic, and because she was now only a baby, all she could do was cry.

A Nighttime Nurturer found the baby, whom she learned was Newchild 36, and picked him up to soothe him. What the Nurturer didn't know was that it was Rosemary rather than Newchild 36 that was crying and that Newchild 36 actually had no idea what was going on. Rosemary felt the Nurturer's hands pat her back and after she realized how deprived she had been of human companionship, she started to wail. Not even the man's soothing hands would be enough to quiet her and she curled up into a ball, trying to use his body heat to keep warm. Several nights it went on like this. She would either be asleep or pushed back into the newchild's mind during the daytime when the true owner of the body could be in control. During the night, Newchild 36 would be asleep and she would be in complete control. Whenever Rosemary had full awareness, she felt that ever-present pain of loneliness and she would cry out for someone to comfort her. When the Nighttime Nurturer came to comfort her, he often grumbled, and she tried to quiet down by thinking of happy times.

She remembered her friend, Roy, from when they were just children. He had been assigned Pilot on their Ceremony of Twelve and, from what she remembered, thoroughly enjoyed his training (which had lasted for a long time). It was sometime this year – or perhaps last year – that Rosemary had heard the sound of a jet flying over the community and remembered her old memories of fear that her father had transferred to her. After she heard the sound of the jet, the speaker shouted instructions for the citizens, who must have felt true fear for the first time since her death. After some time, the speaker announced that a Pilot-In-Training made a mistake and that he would be Released. Shortly after, Rosemary watched as Roy was brought into the Release Room. Roy had reacted with confusion when Zara brought out a syringe and was about to inject it into his arm. Although Rosemary could no longer cry, her heart sank as Roy was lied to and killed and his body hit the sides of the metal chute. She had watched his body join hers and lamented.

Now that she was in the body of Newchild 36, she thought about the times she spent with her father, receiving happy memories. There was a memory of a kitten meowing playfully and pawing at a ball of yarn. That one had been one of her favorites. Her father had taken note of that and transferred more memories like that just to make her laugh. Whenever she would give even the slightest hint of a chuckle, he smiled warmly and lovingly and she could tell that he just wanted to hold her. She started to miss the warmth of his embraces and started to cry again, much to the annoyance of the Nighttime Nurturer.

One day, Newchild 36 was able to stay asleep for a little longer and Rosemary was in control for at least half the day. She saw the man whom she had learned was Jonas's father and noticed how he cared for the little newchildren, who laughed and cried throughout the time he was there. She saw him hover over her and read his name tag, which said "Aedan". Her little arm reached out for him and he tickled her stomach, prompting her to kick her legs playfully. Aedan smiled widely and Rosemary wondered if this man was capable of love.

At some point, the consciousness of both Rosemary and Newchild 36 were side by side, watching Aedan prepare a bottle of formula as he spoke to one of his coworkers. Rosemary learned that Aedan had snuck a peek at the Naming List, that Newchild 36 was to be named Gabriel, and that Aedan planned on taking him home to receive special attention. The man attributed the newchild's inability to sleep at night to the Nighttime Nurturer's lack of ability to truly care for the newchildren properly. When Rosemary saw this man request permission to take the newchild home, she thought that maybe there was some potential in him. Maybe he couldn't love now, but he could learn.

Gabriel tried to fight Rosemary's influence, but her thoughts formed into whispers only the boy could hear and he fell asleep. Just moments later, Rosemary gave up and Gabriel took over, entertaining Aedan for the entire day. Occasionally, Rosemary would see what Gabriel did that day in the form of dreams, but for the most part, she wasn't aware. In the middle of the night, however, Gabriel would fall asleep and Rosemary would take over, crying out for whatever memories pained her. She looked up and thought about her father, crying because she had no idea what was going on with him now and Aedan got out of his bed to comfort her. She started to hiccup while he held her, rubbing her back until she was soothed. This happened for a few more nights before she learned what was going to happen to Jonas.

At some point, Rosemary stayed awake long enough to hear the family's discussion. Lily enthusiastically stated that she couldn't wait for tomorrow and Jonas muttered something under his breath. Jonas then asked about the Elder at the Ceremony was referring to when she mentioned the "terrible discomfort", never using Rosemary's name, and the parents simply told him that the failed Receiver was female and that they never saw her again. Rosemary wanted to escape this body, scream at them and tell Jonas to run away while he could. It took every amount of strength she had not to cry.

Some days (or weeks) later, Jonas came home limping. Rosemary saw him wince as he tried to place as little weight on his injured leg as possible and wondered what memory her father had transferred to him. Jonas told his parents that his instructors were unusually demanding that day and went to bed early. Rosemary knew from experience that the memory would replay itself in his dreams, causing him to lament over the fact that no one else knew pain. She raised her tiny fist and pointed it at Jonas's door. Rosemary wanted to say, "Help him," but all that she could manage was an unintelligible sound, causing Aedan to giggle at the gesture. She let herself fall asleep and Gabriel took over, not having a care in the world.

Months passed and Rosemary carried out the same routine, crying out in the middle of the night until she was held and falling asleep. Parts of Gabriel's day would come to her in dreams and when she woke up, she would think about Jonas, who was now a little older than the age she was when she died. She started to see her father in Jonas and wondered just how he could possibly be strong enough to undergo the training she couldn't withstand. On several occasions, she would wake up in the middle of the night and cry not for herself, but for Jonas, and hope that it would be the young boy that would wake up instead of the unwillingly cold Nurturer. However, she knew this wouldn't happen for some time.

One evening, Rosemary had just woken up, hiding in the depths of Gabriel's mind, hiding from his consciousness. The mother, whom Rosemary learned was named Gaelle-Grace (she had never met anyone with a hyphenated name before), complained about not getting much sleep due to Gabriel's crying. Jonas offered to have Gabriel sleep in his room so his family could get some rest and one of his parents countered his suggestion, saying that he had slept so soundly (Ha! _Right!_) and he'll sleep through Gabriel's crying. Lily then complained that if Jonas didn't intervene at the right time, Gabriel would wake everyone up. Jonas insisted and his family gave in, much to Rosemary's satisfaction.

Later that night, Rosemary watched Jonas sleep and noticed his eyelids twitching. She couldn't tell whether or not he was having a nightmare, so she waited for any further signs. He started to sweat and one of his fingers curled. Rosemary assumed he was having a horrible dream and decided to wake him up by crying. He grudgingly got up and held the little baby, rubbing its back. Rosemary felt soothed by Jonas's touch, realizing just how capable he was of love and how empty she felt without him. She tried to move her head to look up at him when all of the sudden, she saw herself on a boat moving slowly in the water. Rosemary thought of her father's hands touching her back when he had transferred her the exact same memory over ten years ago and wondered just how Jonas's hands came to feel the same way against her body. _Well, not_ my _body,_ she thought. Jonas removed his hand, much to Rosemary's disappointment, and she watched him fall back asleep. Wanting more of that pleasant memory, she cried out in the middle of the night again and he completed the transfer, allowing her to interpret it as his declaration of love and caring. _If only my father knew_, she thought.

Some time later, Rosemary witnessed Jonas asking his parents if they loved him. In response, his father laughed, wondering why he, of all people, would be so imprecise with his language. His mother further explained why love was obsolete and listed what she considered suitable alternatives. Rosemary could see the pain in Jonas's eyes and almost cried for him had it not been for Gabriel taking control of the body. Jonas pretended to agree with them and went to his room.

It wasn't long before Jonas was routinely transferring tranquil memories to her in order to quiet her sobs and whispering his thoughts. She listened to him readily, wanting to hear everything on his mind, and clung to his nightshirt. Her ear was positioned on his chest in such a way that allowed her to hear his heartbeat. Right now, it was a soft pattern to match him quiet musings. He whispered that there could be colors and sunshine and love.

_There could be love_.

Rosemary's own heartbeat quickened and she clung more tightly to his nightshirt, not wanting to let go of this boy. If only this child had been alive at this age and point of understanding when she had first trained. Back then, she was a Twelve and he was only a toddler and now, it was the other way around. She realized she had fallen in love with him.

Just a few weeks before the next Ceremony, Rosemary woke up in time for the Evening Meal. Aedan was gazing at her and she forced a giggle before she let Gabriel take control. Just then, Aedan mentioned something that seemed to alarm Jonas.

"You better enjoy your last night here, Gabe," Aedan said affectionately. "Then tomorrow, it's bye-bye for you."

Jonas asked what was going to happen to him and Aedan explained that the newchild was going to get Released. Rosemary could see the horror in the boy's eyes and felt the same anger toward the man, who admitted that even _he_ voted for Gabriel's death (not that he would use such an _obsolete_ word). Rosemary could see that Jonas was holding back the urge to cry and tried to fall asleep. However, her time of dreams wouldn't last long.

Jonas woke her up in the middle of the night and wrapped her up in a warm blanket, hoping to keep her quiet. Just then, Gabriel wrestled Rosemary for control of the body, causing the baby to whimper and Rosemary backed off. Jonas held the baby and they hid behind bushes while the Cleanup Crew collected dishes before Jonas took some food scraps and placed them in a bag. He then placed her in the child-seat of his father's bicycle and rode to the river, over the bridge, and outside the community. Rosemary realized that Jonas loved Gabriel enough to save his life. _If only someone had tried to stop me_, she thought.

Whenever Gabriel was in full control, the day's events would come to her in dreams. She learned that Gabriel had warned Jonas of searching planes and the older boy used memories of the snow to cool their temperature in order to avoid detection. While they were passing by the fields, Jonas would take some scraps of food and every so often, he would feed Gabriel. The baby's hunger tormented Rosemary, reminding her of her early training sessions with her father. This time, though, she had someone to share her misery.

Weeks passed and they were running out of food. She watched as Jonas threw a stone at a bird in attempt to kill it and sighed. Jonas then tried to catch some fish and failed. After all his frustration, he would scoop up the little baby and hold it close to him when he fell asleep. The next day, Jonas would ride, try to find food and fail, sleep with the baby, and repeat the cycle. Rosemary's stomach gnawed at her and she cried, realizing that it hurt to do so, so she didn't do it as much. She wished she could help Jonas in some way. He didn't deserve this hell.

Eventually, he ditched the bicycle. They were trekking hillier terrain and the temperature continued to drop. The baby shivered and Jonas held him/her close to him, rubbing the tiny arms until they stopped shivering. The boy's own legs must have ached with pain as he walked up the snowy hill, but Rosemary saw that he refused to give up. She envied him for that amount of strength and sighed, seeing her own breath. For yet another time, she felt the desire to die.

Jonas stumbled upon a sled and positioned himself and the baby on it, using one arm to hold Gabriel and the other arm to steer. He pushed the sled forward and they slid down, feeling the exhilaration of it all. For the first time in over a year, Rosemary was able to slip out of the body, free of the tormenting hunger and cold. Her spiritual self felt numb as she watched Jonas and Gabriel ride down the hill and be discovered by an older man. At that point, she started to miss Jonas, but at the same time, she was happy that they had found an Elsewhere full of colors and sunshine and music and love. She watched them enter the house with twinkling lights and knew that her time in this world was over. She turned around and a ray of light forming a circle on the ground appeared just behind her. Somehow, Rosemary knew she was supposed to go there and smiled.

She stepped into the light and disappeared.


End file.
